This is a draft of a humor piece I’m working on. Still tightening, trying to find a better title, and adding some dumb “artist renderings” of the incident that I drew. Will publish later today or tomorrow. If you have feedback, hit me up: email@example.com
Truth Behind The Yonce-Solange-Jay-Z Mystery Feud Finally Uncovered by Rag Tag Team of Random Onlookers and Online Commenters
On Monday, the internet exploded when TMZ released surveillance footage of Solange Knowles, lesser-known little sister to pop icon Beyoncé, reportedly attacking Jay-Z in an elevator at a Met Gala after party. Despite a flurry of empty chatter and wild speculation, the reason for the outburst has remained a mystery. Until now.
Apparently, the countdown started when Jay-Z was overheard telling his wife, The Queen B, and her much-less-famous sister Solange that, rather than leave the party with them, he planned to “go to Rihanna’s after-party to have sex with Rihanna again like always” reported a source who delivered a plate of spicy satay chicken skewers to the couple’s table earlier that night. Outraged, Solange headed to the elevator with an “I-don’t-think-you’re-ready-for-THIS-jelly look” on her face, confirmed some guy who was there. “Yeah, her face was all like….” pantomimed some other guy who was standing next to the guy who was there.
The TMZ surveillance tape, which shall forever live in infamy, has left millions wondering: why did unparalleled musical legend and human embodiment of feminism Beyoncé just stand there as her relatively unknown sister punched and kicked her husband? Was it fear? Was it that she wanted it to happen? Apparently, Neither. What the surveillance tape doesn’t show is that as soon as the arguing began, Beyoncé reportedly “rolled her eyes back in her head and removed herself from the altercation by projecting her spirit into the body of a wolf in a faraway forest ,” said a source who was not actually at the event but went to high school with someone who followed the incident on Gawker. “It was some Brandon Stark shit straight out of Game of Thrones,” said the source. “You watch that show? That series is so nuts right now.”
Allegedly drunk, reportedly furious over Jay-Z’s rumored infidelity, possibly incensed by something someone maybe might have possibly said about her speculatively unflattering dress, the nameless faceless ghost known as Solange was photographed “looking like a brown Mother of Dragons” sources confirm. “Oh she was mad about something, alright! And more importantly, she was huge! At least 40 times my size, Sonlange was a monster whose gigantic steps rumbled the earth as she stormed her way to the car” reported a mouse who lives in a drain pipe outside of the hotel.
“The public needs to accept that they can’t know and see everything about the lives of celebrities. Only I can do that. My daughters love each other and will be back on good terms before you know it” commented Beyoncé’s father, God. Peering down at our broken petty world from his celestial perch, he added “Besides there are bigger things, real problems, horrific injustices that humanity should be worried about. For example, Tyrion Lannister is on trial for a crime he didn’t commit. What’s going to happen? Even I don’t know! Game of Thrones is so nuts right now!”