FOR GOD’S SAKES, ZIP UP YOUR PANTS

We are the cover story on the Gambit.  The article is about our improv theater and training center, The New Movement, and the things we are doing to turn New Orleans into the next great comedy city outside of the traditional three hubs of Chicago, NY, and LA.  You should read it.       

If you are far away, you can read the full text of the article online here
If you are close, then you can grab a sexy paper copy on newsstands all over the city.    

This weekend don’t miss the GRAND OPENING of our theater at 1919 Burgundy St. 
For two years we’ve been working to make this a reality in New Orleans, and we’d love to show you this baby.  Not the theater; just some baby we found and are raising in the back.  

For a schedule of Grand Opening festivities, click here

When watching this, the following things go through my head in this order:

1.) This is f-ing adorable
2.) Wow, how calming this is to watch.
3.) This bird is going to look very good for his date.
4.) His owner probably loves him very much
5.) I wish someone loved me that much
6.) I finished that whole bag of Smartfood already?
7.) How long have I been at this computer?
8.) This is F-ing adorable.

(Source: lostandmound)

I wish this commercial went like this: 

Pizza in the mornin’
Pizza in the evenin’
Pizza at supper time 

[serious voice-over]
One in four children in America suffer from childhood obesity.  This condition can lead to serious and often life-threatening complications.  
Parents, be responsible.  Stop feeding your children pizza for every meal.     

OPENING FOR DARRELL HAMMOND TONIGHT

Tonight at the New Orleans House of Blues I’ll be opening for Darrell Hammond.  That’s right; master French illusionist and magician Darrell Hammond.  Just kidding, the other Darrell Hammond.  

You should come.   8pm.  
http://www.facebook.com/events/326061807440654/?ref=ts

A LETTER FROM MY STOMACH 

Dear CJ,

I am writing this letter because, after all of my failed attempts, all of my pleading, I know of no other way to get through to you.  I write this letter only because I love you and I care about you.  I care about us.    

Here goes: You need to stop consuming dairy products.  All of them.   

It is destroying me.  Time and time again I’ve reminded you that  I lack the proper enzymes to digest lactose. And yet you continue with your fucking pizza and ice cream sandwiches.   

You’re not the only one who misses the days when I could demolish a bowl of mint chocolate chip or lay the smack down on a handful of cheese-its. Yes, those were fun beautiful days, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But those days are behind us. 

Things have changed.  I have changed. 

And if you care about me, you’ll change too. STOP CONSUMING DAIRY. Do it for us. Because every time you sneak a twix into your mouth - every time you try to trick me with one of those bullshit lactiad pills, you hurt me. 

Do you hear that? You hurt me, CJ.  It is a hurt full of knowing that you are willing to cause me pain and willing to lie to me. 

If you don’t stop, I will have no choice but to make you you pay.
In diarrhea.  
Burning, unrelenting diarrhea.  The kind that shows no mercy.  The kind that explodes without warning in the presence of beautiful women and influential comedy executives. The kind that waits until you are farthest away from a bathroom and then strikes with a fury that man has never known.  

I love you.  But your addiction is destroying me.  And if you can’t stop.  I will destroy you.  

Love,

Your stomach 

CJ’s UNSEEN MOVIE REVIEW: SAFE HOUSE

While I have not yet seen this movie, I have seen enough movies like it to be 95% confident that the movie will play out exactly like this:

Ryan: Please stop talking.  I’m supposed to watch you just until chief get’s back. 

Denzel: They’re coming for me

Ryan: You’re just playing mind games.  There’s no one coming for-

[Wall explodes.  Men with guns start shooting at Ryan and Denzel.]

Denzel: Told you so. You got to get us out of here.  You’re in charge now.  

Ryan: I’ve never been in charge before-

Denzel: Sometimes a man needs to make a choice

[Ryan opens a window.  Denzel jumps out.  He follows.  They both run across roofs, finally jumping down to the street, breaking their fall by landing in some trash bags]
[Car Chase. Ryan pulls a fancy dangerous car move.  Bad guys loose control of the wheel; bad guy car rolls over a bunch of times and flies off bridge]

[Ryan and Denzel hideout in an old South African farmhouse miles away from everything.  Denzel picks up guns he has stored in the house.  Downloads a file.]  

Ryan: What is all this stuff?

Denzel: You know a HOUSE is never as SAFE as you think it is.  These are just some of my tools.  

Ryan: But when we were back there how did you know-

Denzel: [crouching under a table, searching for something he once hid there] I was a CIA member once.  I remember being green - new like you.  

Ryan: But you went rogue…

Denzel: No.  I discovered the truth [emerges holding up small portable hard drive] 

[Secluded South African farmhouse attacked.  Jeep chase ensues.  There is a helicopter. Denzel pulls a fancy dangerous Jeep move.  Bad guys loose control of wheel; bad guy Jeep launches off of rock, slams into helicopter. Fireball]

[Ryan and Denzel make it into city.  They hide out in a busy Cape Town mall]  

Ryan: Who sent those guys?

Denzel: I think you know… 

[Ryan gets a call from the chief]

Chief: Thank god you made it safely out of that farmhouse.  You have to bring the prisoner in.  

Denzel: Son, ask yourself: how did the chief know about the farmhouse?

Ryan: [to Denzel] Shut up.  You’re playing mind games with me.  He’s the Chief for god’s sake.

Denzel: And what do you know about him?

Ryan: Look, I have to bring you in. 

Denzel: Sometimes a man needs to make a choice.  

Chief: Listen to me, son.  All of headquarters is proud of you for holding onto the prisoner.  I’m sending a team now to pick you up.  Where are you?  

[silence]

Chief: You answer me now! Where are you?

[Ryan hangs up]

Ryan: It’s been the chief all along…

Denzel: Bingo [holds up a portable hard drive]

Ryan: We gotta take the Chief down.

Denzel: How do you want to do it?

Ryan: Together

[Montage where Denzel and Ryan plan their attack.  A map is laid on the table.  Someone says the phrase “How are we going to get in? Easy; we’ll use the front door”]

[Denzel and Ryan get in disguise and go to headquarters.  They are discovered.  There is gun fire.  Download is at 60%.  A neck is snapped.  Download is at 83%. Explosions. Download is at 92%.  Denzel is shot.  ”Kid, whatever you do, make sure the download completes.”]

[A gun is put to Ryan’s head.  It’s the Chief.  He monologues and reveals his whole evil plan, all while kicking Ryan on the ground.  Ryan is on his hands and knees.  Spits up blood.]

[Chief stands over Ryan to shoot him.  Close up on the trigger.  Sound of a shot rings out.]

[Chief falls over dead.  It was Denzel.  He is still alive, lying on the his side with a gun.]

Ryan: You saved me.

Denzel: [making his way to his feet] Just returning the favor.

[Download complete] 

Ryan: You know at the end of this I need to turn you in

Denzel: Sometimes a man…

Ryan: …needs to make a choice.  

[Ryan walks to window.  Opens it.]

[Good CIA People arrive on the scene guns drawn.]  

Good CIA Lady: You mind telling me what the hell happened here? 

Ryan: [Hands her the portable hard drive] I think this will tell you everything you need to know

Good CIA Lady: Where’s the prisoner?? 

Ryan: He’s dead.  He was incinerated in one of those explosions a few minutes ago.  

Good CIA Lady: [suspicious] Really?

Ryan: [affirming] Really.

[close up on open window.  Outside: dawn is breaking] 

[cue music and credits] 

[epilogue shot: Sun rises over Table Mountain.  Denzel drives down a costal highway.  He puts sun glasses on.  Smiles] 

[epilogue shot: Ryan returns home.  Morning is coming in through the curtains.  He crawls into bed with his sleeping wife.  With eyes still shut she asks: “how was your first day on the job?   Anything exciting happen?”

Ryan: Nope.  Nothing exciting.  Just another day at the office.  
[He shuts his eyes.  Smiles]

[Return to credits.]
[This time the music is notably South African in character]  

EPISODE 5: THE DRINK SHOW

 Was happy to be involved in FatHappy Media’s latest episode of The Drink Show.  You should watch this with your eyes. If you are impatient, I come in around minute 4.

Then go support the Drink Show and check out their other episodes at http://www.thedrinkshow.tv/  

WORST BILLBOARD IN NEW ORLEANS

Out of all the things that could inspire me to start a Tumblr, it is you - you god-awful billboard.  Reginelli’s Pizzeria makes some of the best pizza in New Orleans.  This is a fact about which there is general consensus.  Their shops on Magazine St. and State St. are always full with happy pizza-eating people.  Which is why I don’t understand this abomination of a sign.  This is how I picture the pitch meeting going down.  

Mr. Reginelli: Thank you everyone for being here.  I’m happy to announce that our Pizzas are selling at record highs.  I want to use the profit to really boost our advertising.  

Jeremy: Great, sir. Let’s snag that giant vacant billboard across the street

Mr. Reginelli: That’s using your head, Jeremy.  Now we’ve got to think up something to put on the billboard - something catchy, something that will really grab people’s attention.

Linda: How about a shot of our delicious pizza, hot and fresh out of the oven.   

Jeremy: …placed next to an icy pitcher of our wildly affordable draft beer. 

Mr. Reginelli: Good.  Or…..
What if we just had a picture of a guy.  Maybe Judge Reinhold, or at least someone who looks like him.

Linda: Is he eating the pizza?

Mr. Reginelli: No.  No pizza. 

Jeremy: Is he enjoying one of our many frosty beers? 

Mr. Reginelli: No beer.  Even better.  He is giving a thumbs up. 

Linda: Ohh…nice. That way people will know the pizza is good. 

Jeremy: Ok, but how will the people know where to get the pizza? 

Mr. Reginelli: Already ahead of you Jeremy.  Get this: we’ll have him pointing…

Jeremy and Linda: …VAGUELY IN THE DIRECTION OF THE RESTAURANT!!

Mr. Reginelli: Bingo.  

Jeremy: Excellent idea sir.  

Linda: I don’t know how you do it, sir.  You are a pizza genius.  

Mr. Reginelli: Good job, everyone.  Meeting adjourned.  Now let’s all head over to my garage and get back to doing whip-its.