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Draft: Beyonce Article

This is a draft of a humor piece I’m working on.  Still tightening, trying to find a better title, and adding some dumb “artist renderings” of the incident that I drew. Will publish later today or tomorrow.  If you have feedback, hit me up: cj@cookiepig.com 

Truth Behind The Yonce-Solange-Jay-Z Mystery Feud Finally Uncovered by Rag Tag Team of Random Onlookers and Online Commenters

On Monday, the internet exploded when TMZ released surveillance footage of Solange Knowles, lesser-known little sister to pop icon Beyoncé, reportedly attacking Jay-Z in an elevator at a Met Gala after party.  Despite a flurry of empty chatter and wild speculation, the reason for the outburst has remained a mystery. Until now.

Apparently, the countdown started when Jay-Z was overheard telling his wife, The Queen B, and her much-less-famous sister Solange that, rather than leave the party with them, he planned to “go to Rihanna’s after-party to have sex with Rihanna again like always” reported a source who delivered a plate of spicy satay chicken skewers to the couple’s table earlier that night. Outraged, Solange headed to the elevator with an “I-don’t-think-you’re-ready-for-THIS-jelly look” on her face, confirmed some guy who was there. “Yeah, her face was all like….” pantomimed some other guy who was standing next to the guy who was there.  

The TMZ surveillance tape, which shall forever live in infamy, has left millions wondering:  why did unparalleled musical legend and human embodiment of feminism Beyoncé just stand there as her relatively unknown sister punched and kicked her husband? Was it fear?  Was it that she wanted it to happen? Apparently, Neither. What the surveillance tape doesn’t show is that as soon as the arguing began, Beyoncé reportedly “rolled her eyes back in her head and removed herself from the altercation by projecting her spirit into the body of a wolf in a faraway forest ,” said a source who was not actually at the event but went to high school with someone who followed the incident on Gawker.  “It was some Brandon Stark shit straight out of Game of Thrones,” said the source. “You watch that show? That series is so nuts right now.”  

Allegedly drunk, reportedly furious over Jay-Z’s rumored infidelity, possibly incensed by something someone maybe might have possibly said about her speculatively unflattering dress, the nameless faceless ghost known as Solange was photographed “looking like a brown Mother of Dragons” sources confirm. “Oh she was mad about something, alright!  And more importantly, she was huge!  At least 40 times my size, Sonlange was a monster whose gigantic steps rumbled the earth as she stormed her way to the car” reported a mouse who lives in a drain pipe outside of the hotel. 

“The public needs to accept that they can’t know and see everything about the lives of celebrities.  Only I can do that.  My daughters love each other and will be back on good terms before you know it” commented Beyoncé’s father, God.  Peering down at our broken petty world from his celestial perch, he added “Besides there are bigger things, real problems, horrific injustices that humanity should be worried about. For example, Tyrion Lannister is on trial for a crime he didn’t commit.  What’s going to happen?  Even I don’t know! Game of Thrones is
so nuts right now!”   

Awful Sitcoms 32-34: DYING MEDIA WORKPLACE

Yesterday, NBC launched #ComedyPlayground, a contest that asks users to pitch the network their next hit sitcom idea. I shutter to think how many terrible ideas NBC will receive in this contest.  And I grow hungry at the challenge of pitching them an idea worse than anything they will get all spring. Enjoy.   

Dearest NBC, 

Please consider the following surefire pitches for new programming on your network.  The selector of today’s theme, Ally Hord, has asked for more DYING MEDIA WORKPLACE SITCOMS.  

32.) TheBomb.com   
Rejected by every agency in town, an ambitious young advertising graduate goes to work overseas as the media director for Al-Qaeda.  There, he must wrangle a group of lovably out-of-touch old men desperate to make suicide bombing “cool” again, and hungry to see just one of their many Death-to-the-Great-Satan-of-the-West videos go viral. 
  • Mike Davis: Young American. Hungry to prove himself, Mike is full of ideas, but lacks a spine. 
  • Farouk: The group’s over-confident meddling leader. Always micromanaging, he gets the team in trouble by promising impossible things to the council of elders. 
  • Omar: Crotchety old copywriter and retired bomb expert.  He’s got as few original ideas as he has fingers left.
  • Abdul: A young wise-cracking graphic designer whose work is as abhorrent as the American Hip-Hop CDs and Pepsi Cola he hides in his desk. 
  • Nadia: Web designer. She is a woman. So she works outside in a hole. 
33.) What’s Wrong with this Picture? 
Maggie, a talented young writer, struggles to fulfill a promise to save her dying father’s media legacy: the once-grand Highlights For Children Magazine. With a long-shot crew of burnouts and misfits, Maggie must find a way to lure a generation of iPAD-addicted kids back to the simple joy of newsprint mazes, hidden pictures, and connect the dot starfish. Together, the team tackles the greatest puzzle of all: change. 

  • Maggie: Editor-in-Chief.  Loyal to a fault, she turned down NYT to help save Highlights.
  • Ramon: Cuban expatriate and master crossword puzzler. Meticulous in his work, Ramon is also a bitchy chain-smoking diva.  
  • Dawn: An old forgetful drunk who hasn’t designed a working maze since 1997.
  • Dickens: Married man and pervert. When he’s not hitting on Maggie, Dickens is hiding suggestive images in the picture scavenger hunts. 
  • Toby: Marketing intern and Dawn’s son, Toby is an actual 5 year old boy. 
34.) What’s New with the Danielsons? 
A haggard mother frets over the declining readership of The Danielson Times, an annual holiday newsletter devoted to news, reviews, and fun facts about the Danielson Family of Oak Park, Illinois.  

  • Lilly: Daughter. Education Reporter/ Former Copy Editor. Far from the little angel who used to be so thrilled to help her mother, Lilly just sits quietly staring daggers at her mother.  For hours, it seems. 
  • Jack: Son. Sports and Music Correspondent.  Where is Jack? Probably in some parking lot with those friends of his. Smoking weed, I’ll bet. 
  • Charles Barkly: Family Dog. Humor Columnist. This year’s newsletter will be dedicated to Charles who was taken from us all too soon when he got into some dish detergent this November. Why does everything good get taken from me? 
  • Todd Danielson: Husband/Father. Business Correspondant. Todd normally writes those funny updates from his work at a local software firm.  But he’s been spending most of his days in the garage doing who knows what. His eyes are empty. Not the man I married.  
  • Rita Danielson: Mother. Editor in Chief. Bringer of Cheer. Spends most of her time at the family room computer screaming to no one in particular: “am I the only one who still gives a fuck?”

Do you love these?  Yes, you love these.  Let’s talk.  cj@cookiepig.com

Awful Sitcoms 29-31: BELLE OF THE BALL

On May 1, NBC launches #ComedyPlayground, a contest that asks users to pitch the network their next hit sitcom idea. I shutter to think how many terrible ideas NBC will receive in this contest.  And I grow hungry at the challenge of pitching them an idea worse than anything they will get all spring. Three new #shitcoms every day.  Enjoy.   

Dear Mr. and Mrs. NBC, 

Below are three new pitches on the theme: BELLE OF THE BALL. Thanks to the unstoppable Vanessa Gonzalez for providing today’s theme.  Thank you NBC for all the money.

29.) My Kinda People
Embroiled in scandal, Donald, a racist basketball team owner is fired from the NBA, fined $2.5 million, and banished to another time period.  Lucky for him, he wakes up in the 1863 Confederate South. In this simpler more beautiful world, Donald’s opinions are applauded by a community of like-minded white fellas who just so happen to be looking for a new way to make money off of strong black men. 

30.) Bernice n’ The Boys  
Bernice is a mop. A mop loved by two men. Every sunrise, Gary the day janitor visits her closet and whispers into her mop head for hours about the life he imagines for them. Every sunset, Paulo the night Janitor dresses Bernice up in a fancy little gown he made, and slow dances with her in the school’s empty shiny hallways. Torn between two mentally ill suitors, Bernice must learn that nothing is messier than true love.     

31.) Hungry for Love 
Delores was undateable and practically invisible to men. Until one day, when a plane crash stranded her on an island with five hunky bachelors who also managed to survive and swim to shore. Romance is in the air as the men scramble and fight to be near Delores. Because word is: Delores has a half-eaten candy bar hidden in one of her tattered pockets. Dear god, I hope that candy bar rumor is true. I refuse to die on this island. Not here. Not like this. 

You like? Let’s make a gillion dollars.  cj@cookiepig.com

Awful Sitcoms 26-28: “NOT ANIMALS”

After a brief hiatus performing at the Moontower Comedy and Oddity Festival, I’m back with three new #Shitcoms.  For our new readers, NBC is launching #ComedyPlayground, a contest that asks users to pitch the network their next hit sitcom idea.  As a warm-up for the contest, I’ve been pitching NBC three new ideas every day for shows that should never ever be made.  


Dear Gods of Men at NBC,

Please delight yourselves in the following three winning sitcom pitches. The selector of today’s theme, the sage J.R. Havlan, has chosen a wonderfully challenging theme: "NOT ANIMALS." Enjoy. 

26.) Claudine and Co. 
A heartfelt comedy that follows Claudine, a quirky 45 year old woman searching for her own prince charming.  Lucky for her, Claudine gets a little help from her roommates: the 500 mint condition beanie babies she keeps in a display case above the twin bed in the tiny room she still rents in her aging mother’s home. Will she find true love with the guy who once made eye contact with her at Walgreens? Only if her wacky roomies approve! 

27.) Of Course this is a Zoo; Why Would You Say That?   
To keep his bankrupt zoo in business, a crafty old man must fool his patrons with a few Zoobooks Posters and a complex arrangement of mirrors.  With the help of two homeless men, some hastily-constructed Papier Mâché, and a series of “techniques” gleaned from the film Home Alone, the Wiley old Mr. Brisbo just might have a shot at saving Cincinnati’s fourth largest zoo and botanical garden.    

28.) Free to Dream 
Silas Lawton III wants to be a dancer - the big city kind with a sparkly costume and his name in lights. The only problem: Silas is stuck in a boring dead-end job as a brutal South Carolina slave owner.  This zany antebellum comedy follows Silas into his dreams each night, where he tap dances for the President, turns heads in a gorgeous mink coat, and is sweetly caressed by endless male suiters flocking to his ballet debut in Paris, France.  With an unstoppable imagination, and the sage advice of wise old Ben, this young dream dancer will learn that maybe he was meant for something more that just owning and trading human beings for profit.  

Do you love these ideas NBC? Of course you do.  Let’s make a gillion dolloars.  cj@cookiepig.com

Awful Sitcoms 23-25: SPORTS

On May 1, NBC launches #ComedyPlayground, a contest that asks users to pitch the network their next hit sitcom idea.  But what if, in this digital age, the thing that motivates television viewers most is shitty TV shows? In that case, you are welcome NBC. 
Dear 7 Gods of Television, 

Below are three sitcom pitches on a theme that everybody loves: SPORTS. Thanks to the discerning Eric Moneypenny for selecting today’s theme.  Thank you NBC for believing in me. 

23.) Nitro’s World
Dan, the former star of an athletic game show attempts to make it through the greatest obstacle yet: his tattered and joyless life.  Each week, Dan eats a silent dinner with his wife and three spiteful teenage daughters.  When his wife nervously asks “Dan, are you going to have anything besides beer for dinner?”, Dan flies into a rage, knocks everyone’s dinner off the table, and screams “I was Nitro, goddamn it! The most feared American Gladiator! Ruler of Gauntlet! Everyone shut up, eat your meal, and remember I was once a man of power and glory.” Each episode ends with Dan quietly apologizing after driving around the block for like two hours.
Possible Episodes
  • Nitro is denied a bank loan.
  • The clerk at FedEx Office thinks he recognizes Nitro from that 90’s athletic competition show: Guts. 
  • Debbie and the girls worry about Nitro because it’s 11pm and he’s just been sitting in a parked car in the driveway for hours. 

24.) Poser Patrol 
A coming of age comedy about a group of insecure middle school boys who meet up everyday at lunch to talk about staking - all the while nervously wondering who among them doesn’t even skate probably.   
Possible Episodes
  • Dylan comes to school wearing a sick new pair of Etnies, only to find that a day later Mike, Sam, and Shorty also come in with the same Etnies. Whats up with that? 
  • On his way to the teachers parking lot, Mr. Kev asks the boys if they know how to do a Kickflip.  The boys laugh at Mr. Kev because of course they know how to Kickflip.  Everybody knows that.  
  • The gang learns that fingerboards are gay

25.) Mr. Karate
Ken Karate is a loud over-confident physics teacher who lives in a dojo, wears a karate gi to school, breaks boards in front of his class, but actually knows nothing about martial arts.  As a result of this constant misunderstanding, Ken is besieged each day by violent attackers determined to best a man who - by the look of things - so clearly knows Karate.  
Possible Episodes
  • Mr Karate gets jumped by a group of children
  • Mr. Karate hides under a table while ninjas hold up a bank using only their fists   
  • Mr. Karate stands in his front yard burning his karate gi in a trashcan and yelling into the night “Leave me be.  I’m just a man. Not a KARATE man!” 

You like these ideas?  I’ll give them to you for money.  cj@cookiepig.com

Awful Sitcoms 20 - 22: DUMB JOBS

On May 1, NBC launches #ComedyPlayground, a contest that asks users to pitch the Network their next hit sitcom idea.  I hereby promise that of thousands of terrible ideas they receive, mine will be the worst.     

Dear Mr. and Mrs. NBC,

Below are three new pitches for shows on the theme of: DUMB JOBS. Thanks to Reagan Ward for choosing today’s theme.  I’m believe these ideas will make all of us one gillion dollars.    

20.) All For the Nookie   
A comedy about Ronaldo, the ambitious new investments manager at a powerful hedge fund. Ronaldo wants nothing more than to please investors, and shake off his old life as a weathered I’ll-do-anything street prostitute.  Whether it’s dealing with market volatility, avoiding an unexpected workplace visit from his abusive old pimp Daewoo, or making it through one board meeting without another PTSD flashback, Ronaldo must learn that making the big bucks always costs a piece of yourself. 

21.) Phoning It In 
A comedy about four slacker friends who will do anything to avoid their boring office job operating armed drones for the United States Military.  Confined to a discreet office building somewhere in downtown Nevada, the crew serves up the hijinks spying on their crushes, pranking Randall and the other IT nerds, and - when their boss gets on their case - pressing the button that remotely executes a handful of suspected insurgents and thousands of women and children in the name of American democracy. 

22.) Yes, And I’m Hard  
After a scandal costs him his job at Second City, improv teacher Brian Marshall gets a second chance as the resident acting coach for a failing porn studio.  Dedicated to finding the “truth in every scene,” Brian meets resistance from a rotating cast of slimy producers, slow witted actors, and an entire industry that only cares about butts, penises, and vaginas.  Armed with nothing but two empty folding chairs and the life-changing principles of improv comedy, Brian will teach these washed-up smut merchants that anything can make a viewer climax, but only art can make them care.

Want to begin development right now?  I knew it.  cj@cookiepig.com

Awful Sitcoms 16-19: OUR ODDBALL FAMILY

On May 1, NBC launches #ComedyPlayground, a contest that asks users to pitch the Network their next hit sitcom idea.  But what if what NBC needs is not hits, but many more misses?  Well then, I got that covered. Three new #shitcoms every day until May 1. 
Dear Lords and Ladies of NBC, 
I bring you three new pitches about a theme never seen before on network television: ODDBALL FAMILIES.    

16.) Everything’s Fine 
Todd Fine is just an ordinary football-watching Sunday paper kind of guy. His family, on the other hand, is a whole nother story. They are scarecrows he has dressed in human clothes.  If only Todd could get a little peace and quiet to watch the big game without his teenage straw daughter slutting it up for her boyfriend (the lamp), or his high-maintenance straw wife telling him the town is whispering about him again, or his lovable rascal straw son reminding Todd of the real son he once had. Before the fire. 

17.) Evolving with the Franklins    
The Franklins are your typical family of single-celled amebae. Stubborn, self-centered, and always scheming, this unlikely bunch of protozoan parasites are forced to spend billions of years together laying motionless on the same volcanic rock. Whether it’s learning how to ingest food into their shapeless bodies, getting their mitosis on, or discovering how to move by ejecting microscopic amounts of cytoplasm, this original american family reminds us all that changing our ways sometimes takes forever. 

18.) Because You’re A Lannister!!! 
A family comedy about a powerful status-obsessed father who never changes his clothes.  Each week, he calls his three children before him, gazes out a window, slams his fist on the table, and reminds them what their last name is.  

You like? Let’s talk. cj@cookiepig.com

Awful Sitcoms 13 - 15: BABIES TEETHING

As part of their #ComedyPlayground contest, NBC will begin accepting sitcom pitches from their viewers beginning May 1. Each day until then, I will pitch the network three new ideas that I believe just might be the worst thing they read this summer.  


Dear lords of NBC and protectors of the realm, 

Please give some serious thought to the following three ideas.  The selector of today’s theme, Victor Quinaz, believes that NBC audiences are waiting for one thing: shows about BABIES TEETHING. I couldn’t agree more. 

13.) Dear God, Someone Help Us 
Meet the Levensons: a family of babies. They are your typical American household, except for one thing: Mr. and Mrs. Levenson are both newborns who somehow gave birth to and are inexplicably tasked with raising three children who are ALSO newborns! Watch as this oddball family helplessly lays about the house screaming and just feeling awful.  Each week, the gang must face a new question like “what is happening to my body?” and “who is that and does she have food in her breasts?” 

14.) GUMS
Four women living in Brooklyn attempt to navigate the tough lessons of starting a career, finding love, and living without teeth. After her umbilical chord is cut, Holly a self-centered infant and wannabe writer moves in with her best friend Marie, a beautiful but frighteningly frail 90-year-old waitress. These toothless-somethings are joined by Jemma, a well-traveled meth addict who crashes with her younger cousin Sherona, a gratingly naive felt puppet. Together they learn that growing up is tough.  And popcorn is pretty much impossible.

15.) Big Time Small Talk
Alex Parker is a high-powered ad exec with a mouth the size of a penny.  In his world, image is everything and fortunes are won and lost on the strength and beauty of words.   Too bad for Alex, he can only fit a few words at a time through his fragile rice teeth and horrid microscopic lips. But with the help of a take-no-bull secretary, a snarky overweight best bud, and his own (over)active imagination, Alex is able to leave even the toughest clients asking “How is he so good? And how the hell does he even eat with that thing?”     

Awful Sitcoms 10-12: SPACE EDITION

As part of their #ComedyPlayground contest, NBC will begin accepting sitcom pitches from their viewers beginning May 1.  Many of these pitches will be very bad.  Mine will be the worst.  I promise.   
image Dear gods of men at NBC,

Please accept the following star-making pitches on theme of life’s greatest mystery: THE COSMOS.  Thanks to Andy Cobb for choosing today’s provocative theme.     

10.) Captain Crybaby 
A crew of space explorers struggles to navigate the galaxy in a ship captained by a cranky, woefully inexperienced human infant.  Each week, the team attempts to survive a new threat - asteroids, black holes, Kuglari space pirates - all while wondering: where is the captain? Has he gotten into a cupboard somewhere?  What does he have in his mouth?  What the hell does he have IN HIS MOUTH!??   
11.) Our Son, Zarclar  
When a tiny comet crashes into their home, The Johnson Family discovers Zarclar, a little alien dude with a cool attitude. Charmed by Zarclar’s sense of humor and sound life advice, they disguise him with backpack and pair of shades, and enroll Zarclar at the local elementary school. There he is immediately discovered, captured, and damned to a life of painful experiments in a military lab. Each week, the Johnsons take on a new challenge  - winning little Becky’s science fair, having Mrs. Johnson’s pompous boss over for dinner, and facing the quiet haunting question “what have we done?” 

12.) Planet Jeff
One day, Jeff, a pizza delivery guy who just can’t do anything right, falls off his delivery bike and lands in a portal to another planet. This planet is just like ours, except here Jeff is The Man!  Each week, Jeff is inundated with invitations to sweet parities, beautiful women who totally want to hook up with him, and a crew of cool guy friends who just can’t get over how buff Jeff is. “Buff Jeff,” they call him.  But little does Jeff know: he hasn’t gone anywhere. Jeff is in a coma.   

Do you love these? Yes you do.  cj@cookiepig.com 

Awful Sitcoms 7-9: PETS

NBC has invited viewers to pitch their best ideas for sitcoms starting May 1. Every day until then, I will be pitching the network my worst.  I hope they make your lunch more pleasant.    

Dear captains of fate at NBC:

Please accept these three shining ideas for shows on the theme of PETS. Thanks to Payman Benz for suggesting todays theme - one that has not been sufficiently explored on TV in over 30 years.     

7.) Buddy and Bull 
A classic 1950’s boy-and-his-dog story about the Connor family, and their devoted pup, Buddy. A German Shepard with a nose for police work, Buddy lends a hand to his owner Bull Connor, the jolly and vigilant police chief of Birmingham, Alabama. Forget Timmy stuck in the well, or a school bus teetering on the edge of the creek; this town has bigger problems! Whether it’s an elderly black woman attempting to vote, a group of students peacefully marching for equal rights, or an interracial couple just holding hands somewhere, no troublemaker escapes Buddy and Bull. With a big heart and a firm bite, Buddy reminds us all that sometimes crime needs to be nipped right in the butt, then mercilessly sprayed with a hose, then jailed indefinitely.  

8.) My Two Dads (one of whom is a Tarantula) 
Kim, a teenager desperate to fit in, moves to a new town. Everything is going perfectly until the town learns about Kim’s “non-traditional” parents. Can Kim make friends and find her place in this small Houston suburb where everyone - with their perfect lawns, expensive cars, and cookie cutter families - is as homophobic as they are terrified of deadly spiders? Kim’s father, Mark (the one who is a Tarantula) tries his best to make Kim happy.  He signs up to coach the girls soccer team, he joins the PTA, and even starts wearing clothes (a tiny suit and a pair of glasses stolen from a lego man) to his job as manager at the local auto plant.  But Mark can’t do anything right; he scares away the other soccer teams, he get’s caught in fine crevices of the factory’s machines, and he is shunned by the homecoming planning committee who refuse to listen to a spider (especially one married to a man). Through it all, Kim learns that nobody’s family is “normal,” and that maybe fitting in was made for those too boring to stand out.    

9.) Chipper 
Chipper, the class Chinchilla in Mrs. Tupperby’s homeroom, is no ordinary class pet. Thanks to a chemistry experiment gone wrong, Chipper is gifted with superhuman intelligence and the power to fight crime. This little super rodent is the only thing standing between the students of Ridgedale Middle School and the bullies in the halls, addicts in the parking lot, and the spiraling corruption of a faculty staffed exclusively by prominent members of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel. If only Chipper had the strength to escape from his cage! Each week, our hero attempts to spring into action, but get’s tired and overheated from the slightest movement, and retreats to his little cardboard house to take a dust bath and hate himself. From his cage, cursing his useless powers and intelligence, Chipper watches helplessly as his beloved students throw away their lives, and the city of Detroit slowly burns itself to the ground.   

Interested?  I will sell each of these ideas to you for $50 million.  cj@cookiepig.com